the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
