I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
