So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
