She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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