Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
