He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize