There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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