Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
