how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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