dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
