I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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