4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
