Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
