You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
