Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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