and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
