when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
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