The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
