I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Randomize