Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
