You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
