I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
