You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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