my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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