Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
