i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Blood and glitter go together right?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
