I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
