you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
