I puked a lego.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
