I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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