Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
