Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
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