He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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