my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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