Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
