Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
