the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
