talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
