yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
