shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
