who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
