My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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