I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
