I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Sext me about skeletons
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
