**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
