I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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