I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
