the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
how drunk are you?
Several
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
