My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
