I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Randomize
