I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
