I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
