I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
