I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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