Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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