yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
