Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
