I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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