There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
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