Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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